Here is a poem 'The House Of Belonging' written and recited by David Whyte . He speaks of a nourishing 'adult aloneness'. David has family here in the UK who are front-line medical staff. He is holding what we are all holding.
What is this knot in the centre of my solar plexus? It came to life as a child, the place where the shock of the emotional and physical violence impacted and took root in my new and tender body. This knot called for love then which wasn't available from outside of me. This knot has been calling me still. It's the knot the hedgehog I spent time with sensed, and wanted to be present to, to my truth, to be with me. I sense nature and all her beings just want us to be true. Not some 'healed cleansed' version of ourselves, I sense they would like the raw truth through a shared living force of unconditional love, not just towards them, but between all of us .
During this lockdown this knot calls to me so intensely and my recent losses come marching in. And the repeated phrase in my life returns 'if not now, then when?' It's a phrase I continuously applied to my father and to others I judged as not being 'present'. I looked in the mirror and saw 'me' and said sorry for not seeing me and the amount of holding I need. Inhabiting this particular body in this particular life asks this of me. This body is connected to my ancestors and is connected to future generations . My greatest celebration today is that I am not numbing this aspect of me, abandoning it in the hope it will 'go away' and stop nagging me. I am not drowning my felt sense in alcohol, staying 'positive' or some detached spirituality. I do know the blissful feeling of relief as the warmth of alcohol reaches my body, the soothing affects of a large sugary bar of chocolate and the gift they have of making everything alright for a short while. At times I can barely hold the intensity and agony of this knot and it's cry for help. This knot is the truth of what it is like to be Clare and live in this particular body in this particular lifetime. I reach to those who have passed on to help me to hold it, including my beautiful dog Badger who comforted me in a dream last night, and when I woke, for a moment, I felt her next to me. And I reach out to those who can 'see' me and 'be' with me and encourage me to be fully me.
And so, it is now and not 'when' as I move in and out of the rhythm of pain and relief and empathy, trusting the well of creativity and wholeness that is at it's core. Trusting that this is where the greatest most precious parts of me have been tucked away until this moment, to meet the light of love in this world and to bring forth my essence to offer it outwards in whatever form may nourish myself and others. Maybe you are wondering what the point of me entering this process and then sharing it is? I'll tell you the point. I sense that me and you have something unique and precious to offer into the worlds current plight. My being with the fullness of my own incarnation is helping me to breathe in this present moment and out of that my loving creative forces find momentum. And therefore I regain my focus with the project I am designing to bring compassion into the 'work place' May my gifts be seen and heard and may they become food for life for others.
And now, the awareness of my need in this moment finds voice. Have you guessed it? It's relaxation! It's warmth too. Oh doesn't it sound so simple and yet a sense of relaxation in my body is by far and away the most distant experience for me in this incarnation. And so I am running a warm bath to support myself, with some epsom salts to nourish my body and soul.
And whoever is reading this in this moment. What are you holding in your heart? What is home to you? I pray that somewhere within you, you find a glimpse of what might nourish you in these moments and through these days that means a sense of home comes to life for you and greets you with open arms so that you can find your life's breath.
Here is a 'musing' by Anna Breytenbach, Animal Communicator. She supports me to continue to grow this sense that it all begins in the present moment and with me. Imagine what might have been the outcome for generations to come if my father and his father before him had had capacity to do that?