I walked into the conservatory door a few days ago, it hurt, and through that accident I felt the fullness of loneliness and love. So, I'm glad. I'm glad I am more familiar with the shape and size of both experiences. This awakened knowledge means I can accompany myself more fully when they visit again. And, I'm glad I will recognise both in others and therefore have capacity to hold compassionate space for and with them.
The physical pain was excruciating, and so, I sat on my bed and cried, this was sobbing, nothing for it but a complete leaning into the present physical pain. From there it was as if a doorway opened out to my longing for sweet caring company, which wasn't there in the form of another human. I was alone, with no one to run to for a bandage on my wound. (My Mother was wonderful for that sort of thing when I was little, thank you Mam! ) And so the process of self compassion took hold. That 'yes', I have lost so much in my life and it's agony, daily, and the absences are ghostly and filled with longing. Where were the arms to reach out to me in that moment? And in the same time zone, where were the arms to lift me out of my childhood suffering.
And now the gratitude flows, for the flow of love in this moment that enters my system, that holds me, coming from I don't know where, I only know that its arrival is in response to my mourning and seems to need the 'yes' from me to lean into the 'holding' through my soft underbelly. And that softening opens me out towards the warmth of compassion, a right brain self embrace.
I am not who I was before this accident, yet another veil has been lifted between me and the present life around me. I took a walk today with my doggie friend and we were surrounded by sunshine, rainbows and wild fruits of the season, the beauty just didn't stop, living here on the banks of the River Severn.
I want to celebrate this experience of softening through pain that seems to open a floodgate of beauty through tears and a sense of belonging beyond that of human to human, but belonging to all life in the present moment where there is no need for the language of loneliness. Another aspect of what I call 'our natural heritage' which has been so long forgotten and awaits our arrival.
And so, here is my next video 'The Doorway To Love' which invites you on a walk towards self compassion in the present moment.