My niece calls by shortly to pick up some homemade sourdough bread and cranberry and walnut cookies from me. I want to contribute to her heart's warmth as she builds her organic vegetable growing business. And I will receive a bunch of sunlight filled vegetables. 2 miracles, first that anything creative can be given birth through me given my childhood history and second that I am part of and can contribute to a new lineage through her.
I 'rescued' a hedgehog last Sunday or maybe he rescued me. He was in the process of ending his life on my neighbour's lawn. They do this by coming out and lying in the sun. So I contacted the Hedgehog Rescue and they said to put him in a box with a hot water bottle and bring him over. Now, they could't receive him till the afternoon so we had a couple of hours together me and the Hedgehog. Well, I set to it, practicing my interspecies connection. I said that if it was his time to go I hoped he could go in comfort and warmth and with someone who really knew how to care for him, or if he could receive the support of an expert he would be released back here where he belongs.
Now I was hell bent on receiving communications from him. Images, thoughts, sensations. That was a lot of 'effort'! Off I went with my human hobnail boots to communicate with him. He showed me a different path, like a wise teacher. What I actually experienced was a hugely compassionate being who seemed to wonder about the sadness in my heart and seemed to want me to show it to him, and then our hearts connected. Our eyes met and I can still feel the impact of him now on my being. Our hearts woven together for the truth of what lies there. In the room, in that moment, it felt filled with warmth and companionship and a thought came to me he wanted to send love to us all at this time.
And so, as I draw inwards to my originality and set about mining for treasures that await me there, grief reaches out her hand to me. The vortex through which I arrive into my body and in the felt sense of what it is to be Clare in this moment.
ESCAPING FROM PRESENT HEARTBREAK
"By actually standing in the ground of your life fully, not trying to abstract yourself into a strategic future that’s actually just an escape from present heartbreak, and to look at the horizon that is pulling you, in that moment you are the whole journey, you are the whole conversation.
You see the path, and then you don't, and then you see it again".
This radical act of self warmth is always an act of faith for me, each time, many times a day. An act of trust to breathe into this moment. In recent years loss has been my companion. And so, in these silent hours I sense grief in my body, hear it's call, asking me not to take another step into my life without it by my side. The grounding reminder calling me home to myself and to the present moment. I am invited to drop the resistance to what's calling me to my interior world and precious life force that awaits me. I have a sense of it as a wise companion, humbling me and bringing my essence to earth through my body, acting as a lightening rod for vitality, and I so long to be here fully, till it's time. No more wanting things to be different, no longer looking for things and people to distract me from myself. But to build connection and contribute to the world from this sacred ground, this authenticity this transparency.
Finding my way to you and to life, through me.