The above is a quote from a poem by David Whyte titled 'No One Told Me'. (not the dolly bit of course. Here she is below, the one I'm in the process of making, and the designer is http://poppenatelier-inekegray. Wish me luck! I'm in love with her hair!).
David's work has supported me with ways to hold myself at the threshold of not knowing, to cultivate trust there, in the fierce heat that rises through the invitation. What is this fierce heat? It's the truth. The truth of how it is to be me, in this body, after all it's been through in life. So, initially, it does not feel like a warming process, but on arrival, it feels like entering into an intense warning system and frozen, broken landscape. This is the colour and texture of the landscape I needed to build to protect myself from the dis-regulated nervous systems of the adults around me. Not only that of my father, but also my 'teachers' and others who were also drenched in the guilt and shame ridden, 'right and wrong' culture that was my cradle. And many other formations too, particularly loss. One example is I had to give up my dog for adoption when my marriage ended. There is a raw place in my gut daily with this, that when triggered for sure feels like an 'unsheathing of a sword'. And it's always only a nanno second away, as it is now because I am sharing the story of it. When this rises, all I want to do is lay next to his warm friendly body. The bliss of touch and connection with another being.
So I ask myself to make a little doll, to 'unsheathe the sharp edge of experience) and the relevance of this, to me at least, reveals itself. Why would I ask myself to do something that challenges me so much, sends my nervous system off the charts with worry? Because I want to know myself, and by taking the journey through the creative process I become more familiar with the truth of who I am and can bring a tender warm welcoming to all of it. To thaw the frozen places. It becomes a place where I can cultivate the resilience to say yes to life in all it's unfoldings and a ground of inner safety from which to engage with it. I am creating room in myself for all that rises and creating room in myself for others also. It's a process of unhurried revelation, a process of 'human whispering' and 'ungripping'.
Progress with Buttercup so far:
I will continue to share this creative path here and on my Facebook and Instagram pages if you would like to join me.
Thanks for joining me now!