I want to think my own thoughts! To hear them through some kind of unconditional portal of welcome. I don't want to discount all that I have learned and all that I have been taught through life, but somewhere in a fissure, in the craggy rocks of my life that has been, somewhere among the protective blessing of the repetitive thoughts and how they long to keep me safe, I want to enter the flow of my life essence and find the thread to my cosmic obligation. To find the contract I made with myself that lives through my bones, through brand new and unique thoughts which stem from the world of the 'unknown'. And the 'knowing' that is familiar to me my whole life.
On meeting the shock of my father's pain in childhood I felt a pull, a call, telling me that things are not meant to be this way, that there is choice. I have spent my life wanting to make a difference. I follow that pull now every day and cultivate trust that it connects me to the greater truth of who I am and what I need to be 'up to' in this life.
I am of 'no fixed abode' these days due to the impact of the lockdown on my work. It's a fierce threshold to be standing at, my worldly belongings scattered around Gloucestershire in the loving arms of friends, and in the boot of my car, a threshold stimulating so much bodily held grief and loss. A shock to my nervous system and the placement of my be-longings. And yet there is something 'fresh' in my blood, a part of me that knows this pain and still calls me on with a gentle promise of nourishment through the process and edging ever nearer to being 'myself' fully in this life.
And so, to my own thoughts shared here with you; I was sitting in the life filled garden of a friend in Stroud yesterday. I watched a butterfly go about his/her morning work with vim, joy and freedom on the wing, resting on the grass now and then. During flight she landed in a large cobweb, a spider rushed out to capture her. The process of fight and death was before me. The thought 'it's just natural' (an old thought) doesn't touch the sides of what I experienced witnessing this. So this is what I mean about 'I want to have my own thoughts'. I allowed life to flow and play out for both of these beings, I did not intervene. Earlier I 'rescued' a fly from a cobweb, she flew freely away which was wonderful (for me to see, but in doing so I destroyed a cobweb which was the arduous work of a spider to meet his/her need for food). There was so much shock stimulated in my body as I witnessed the fight (I didn't look on for long as it was too painful for me, but I returned to the spot to see what was happening). By the end there was no trace of the butterfly who was about 3 times the size of the spider. I'm guessing the spider has a place to put what it harvests away for later.
I want to honour the life of that spider who must have spent so many hours and maybe days building its beautiful and intricate web in the hopes of feeding its family. I want to honour the life of the butterfly, her life interrupted, and becoming food for another. Whilst aware of what was happening I opened my heart to her and sent out love as she crossed the threshold from life to death to 'the next'. I wanted to know what was mine and what was hers in terms of the 'feeling' sense and I found I could hold both. I could hold the love and my own personal reactivity.
For me, it went deep. Because I wasn't telling myself to think about what I witnessed through any prepared lens other than witnessing and listening, my broken heart felt my mother's presence. All the times that she was beaten up by my father as I looked on. Wondering if I should intervene. And even as a little girl I did once, pulling my father's jacket. I can still see my hand and the colour of his jacket. Perhaps you can imagine the tears present in me right now. Perhaps you can understand why I am now longing to have my own thoughts about seeing a butterfly be captured and eaten.
Here they are: Thank you dear earth for showing me this, thank you for the grief it stimulated, thank you for being alongside me, thank you for holding me, thank you for the healing I experienced by allowing the symbiotic intertwined dance of these events that activated softness and healing in my nervous system and supported me to continue the journey home. When I finished journaling about this event, this journey, I felt such relief in me and so much life, somehow cleansed and made 'ready' for what is coming next towards me in life. This for me is the path of interspecies communication and inter-connectedness.
My hope, in sharing this with you, is that if there are places in you where you are holding sadness, loss and grief, that letting you know about this event might bring hope? That bit by little bit, through unconditional loving presence, our own and that of others, and the presence of all beings in nature, your life force will meet with you and show you the way forward, moment by precious moment.
I want to know what is alive in me, so that I can tend to it with love, so that I can grow understanding for how to care for my reactivity and my nervous system, so that I can play my part in ending the violence in my lineage and so that I can tend to a young and tender garden in me as a portal through which others can find spaciousness and be held also.
Here's a video I made of a busy bee who comforted me on my walk back into the house. Bee, you bless my existence with so much joy and life.
Sending love, Clare