Finding a home in our own skin
In the last couple of weeks, something in me has relaxed around my hunger to belong. That sweet place to land where I can feel mellow, cry, laugh and try out my visibility in life with a modicum of ease. That rooted sense that someone has my back. But this growth of ease has a surprising foundation.
I have wandered in and out of relationships, places of work, passions and commitments (that word commitment fills me with dread these days, through no fault of its own.) It's like, if no one minds, at this stage in my life there's nothing consistent about me except that I am consistently willing to listen to my needs and respond to them with love and creativity. Irish born and raised a catholic (grim dark episode for that religion in my country and built on the basis that we all start out 'bad' and need to be forgiven - jeeze!), the youngest of 7 children (you can imagine it's very difficult for any siblings to see me as 'grown up' and not in need of their opinions any more!) and an intuitive (well nothing in my upbringing welcomed that!).
So, yes, I have tried things out and woven in and out of belonging with human endeavours, the warmth of arrival into it, the tussle of being in there with other humans in a culture that tells us not to feel, and not to name the truth of our wholehearted experience, and then the pain of untying that belonging. I used to judge myself about this in and out. Now I know what was actually taking place.
The surprise to me is, every time I enter that cycle I arrive more firmly into my own belonging, my own skin, my courage, devotion and allegiance to my own developing consciousness. The river of hunger I have for peace and how I joyfully want to contribute to it strengthens. It's as if each time I molt, there's a shedding of that particular layer of fur. I prefer that image to the one of an onion, I love the sense that my consciousness and passion is expanding, how the image honours my mammalian roots, and gives me a sense that I am growing in stature. The inward practice I have undertaken for years now of self love and self compassion, creates a visible Clare that has her feet dug in a bit more. That 'don't mess with me' medicine.
I'VE GOT MY OWN BACK
So, I've got my own back, I enter more fully my own captaincy. This is the stuff that helps me to weather being human in an anti-human culture. And surprisingly again, it brings ease in human connection. As the central force in myself becomes more light filled and connected to all life, stronger, I can meet that inner force in others with balance, authenticity and transparency.
So, there you are guys, that's my tuppence worth for today. If it sparks anything in you I'd love to hear about it. There's no comments window on this blog just now, but you can email me.