It was as if he was suspended in the air on a string from above, hovering right in front of my eyes. I had no fear in my body, only surprise and joy. I said hello, I said "I would love to connect with you". And so the dance began. I’m not sure what kind of a bee he is. (I’ve seen him again since, he seems to be circling around a particular part of my garden, not much source of nectar here, a mystery to me and may there be many more mysteries).
I think he is a honey bee. As I was sitting in my beautiful postage stamp garden with panoramic views on my lovely red ancient garden chair he flew around me and the garden nearby. His flight seemed to go from hovering to a sharp interrupted new direction as if he said ‘Bet you can’t follow me’ it felt like play to me. It felt like a reclamation of my lost childhood. As if I am back home in my body, filled with a natural sense of ease and joy, as we are all perhaps naturally meant to be and as we once were long ago (well at least for me it was long ago!).
It felt as if there were times during his flight when he looked directly at me and hovered in front of me in suspended conversation. I felt my heart expand and the frozenness melt another bit for all time. He was right, I couldn’t follow him. He became a gift of arrival for me. My thoughts kept wandering to the next thing to do, the next worry, the next planning, the thing that somebody said or did that hurt so much, the thing that I said or did that I worried hurt someone else, and there I would find him, buzzing in my ear, saying ‘Hi Clare, you’ve gone again, do come back’. And that’s it, that was the dance. Him inviting me to come home to his company in that moment. He was teaching me presence, nothing formal, in fact anything but. I was fascinated by his ‘landing apparatus’, two skinny back legs that only became visible to me when he extended them out when landing on a surface. He seemed to particularly like the wooden places to land on.
I mostly don’t want to be doing practices to ‘still’ meself, better meself, make meself more peaceful or even to communicate with animals! I want to be alive (this in the context of not knowing if I would come out of my childhood alive or with any semblance of wellbeing). Perhaps it is finally my rebellion seeing the light of day, not wanting to approach life like an ‘adult’ but to reacquaint myself with the spontaneity, wildness and freedom of childhood. Oh how I pray that nature will continue her generosity and be my teacher, my comfort, my support, my nourishment and my way finding.
I know in my bones the place the bee is calling me to, a long hidden and protected one, one that mostly wasn't wanted in my culture, and I recently witnessed that place through Anna Breytenbach’s work. When I saw her video I knew I needed to learn how to do it and took myself off to Scotland to train in her methods. Her phrase 'separation sickness' reverberated through my body as a resounding yes. When I saw her lie down among monkey’s and fall asleep, when I saw her balance stones, when I saw her receive messages from animals, I knew I belonged in that state of awareness and so I began this work. And offer it to you here, you the reader are a gift to me, to draw me out into the world to be seen and appreciated in the hope that my inner landscape may nourish and support 'mean making' for you, and support your arrival home. (My first blog has 60 views after 2 days so someone is here with me 😉 'Home' could have been a bottle of whiskey for me. Oh the pull not to feel any of it. And, I choose this way with you here and now as I sit in my kitchen blessed by the shelter of a home and a view of the sky.
"The work we are doing at the level of the 'self' is contributing to our collective evolution. Shifting our responsiveness to our inner call not the outer one. Replenishing our inner scarcities. Only when we wrestle to keep the endangered language of beauty and sensitivity alive do we have a chance of becoming necessary to the urgency of our times."
Toko-pa Turner 'Belonging, Remembering Ourselves Home'
It doesn't matter to me if the above quote is true or not, though it nourishes me deeply. All I know is that tending to my inner reactivity, the space between stimulus and response, (the place my father could not enter, and his incapacity to do so meant the destruction of all that could have loved him), is my life's purpose and I am growing trust that as I do so I am contributing to the collective evolution of compassion in the world.
I feel Marshall Rosenberg's presence in this moment, he is somehow often here when my heart opens out towards gratitude. Thank you Marshall for teaching me about the life source in our needs and showing me the path to cultivate a Sense Of Life.